Sharing My New Mantra
I’ve just made a pretty big discovery – and I am so excited to share it with you!
TL:DR – it’s a new mantra. Which seems kind of small and maybe insignificant? But I promise you: it’s actually HUGE.
Last week I listened to a podcast episode called, “When You’ve Done Everything and Your Reality Still Isn’t Changing” (here’s the link). The whole episode is fascinating, but I want to highlight two specific questions the host, Kate Northrup, asked us to consider:
What are the ‘secondary gains,’ or unexpected benefits, that I receive from not getting what I want?
What am I afraid will happen if I actually get what I desire?
When I tell you I chewed on these questions – I CHEWED! On walks with my dog, over dinner with Dan, in my therapist’s office, in my journal… I kept exploring these questions and my answers, digging deeper and deeper. Until it hit me:
I’ve been living my whole life like it’s a problem to be solved.
Now, given that you’re here, and that you are likely also some combination of a high-achiever, a recovering perfectionist, and/or eldest daughter…you might find this resonates with you, too.
Don’t get me wrong: being capable and great at problem solving is often a very good thing… but I realized that this ability of mine has sneakily become my ‘default’ mode.
Late for school drop off? Problem to solve.
Have to reschedule a doctor’s appointment? Problem to solve.
Not making enough money? Problem to solve.
Need more rest? Problem to solve.
Someone I love is unhappy? Problem to solve.
Even worse: when I look at everything in my life as a problem, I feel even more urgency to solve it.
In essence, I’m not only adopting a perspective that sees my life as a problem; I’m manufacturing false time pressure to resolve these problems ASAP.
It’s no wonder I’m exhausted!
Enter my new mantra: “This isn’t a problem to solve.”
Over the past week, whenever I’ve felt stressed or anxious, I’d say: “This isn’t a problem to solve.”
I’m going to bed tonight later than I’d like. Not a problem to solve.
I’m worried I’m not going to like the entree I ordered. Not a problem to solve.
My son is having a tough day. Not a problem to solve.
Importantly, this isn’t about bypassing or avoiding the challenges in my life. It’s not about pretending that aspects of my life aren’t challenging or annoying or stressful.
It’s about removing the responsibility, and urgency, I often feel to fix everything.
And it’s drastically changed how I’ve been working, parenting, and taking care of myself. In big moments and in small.
And now it’s your turn!
Try This Out
If there’s an area of your life where you’ve been desiring a change, and it hasn’t materialized yet, ask yourself:
What are the secondary gains I receive by not getting what I want here?
What am I afraid will happen if I do get what I want?
As best as you can, try not to force or rush your answers. See where your thoughts go, and follow them curiously and without judgment. Over time, you’ll find new clarity – about the change you want to make, and about where and why you’re getting stuck.
And who knows? Perhaps you’ll even stumble upon a new way of thinking about your goals that can become your own, new mantra.
What To Do Next
A final question that Kate asks in her podcast?
3. How can I start appreciating my life today – just as it is?
I’ll be honest: The minute I started seeing how having all these “problems” in my life was partly, and oddly, beneficial to me…
The minute I started recognizing that NOT having problems to solve was actually quite scary to me for various reasons… was the exact minute I started looking at my life with fresh eyes and saying, “Wow!”
Turns out when I’m not focused on all the problems, I can actually see some pretty amazing things to appreciate in my life, even as it is today!
And I bet you will, too!
Onward,
PS: If you’re aiming to make a career change and it hasn’t “shown up” yet, check out my on-demand workshop, “After the Layoff.”
Although it’s centered on the layoff experience, you’ll find it chock full of mindset shifts, life design tools, and creative inspiration to navigate any kind of career change you’re working towards.