Who are you not allowed to be?
Who are you not allowed to be?
A mentor of mine asked me the same question last week, and it hit me right in the gut.
We all have ways of being – roles and identities that we adopt (either willingly or unwillingly).
We’re siblings, parents, friends.
We’re caregivers, teachers, community leaders.
We’re good, kind, loving.
You know who you’re allowed to be. These are the parts of you that feel positive, meaningful and safe.
But what about the opposite? Who you can’t be? Who feels too dangerous, too taboo – or simply just “not yours” to claim?
Upon considering this question, I was surprised that my answer was actually many things:
I can’t be too angry. I can’t be too loud. I can’t be too opinionated or demanding or abrasive.
But – I also can’t be a “girly girl.”
This one really knocked me over for a moment… it felt true in my body before it even made sense in my brain.
As I’ve reflected on it, I can see the origins of this belief – that I can’t be too feminine, that “girly things” are not available to me. There’s an interesting backstory there (at least in my mind), but it’s not the point of my message.
Rather, the questions my mentor asked me – and what I offer to you – are these:
What if these ‘not allowed’ ways of being are actually parts of you, asking to be let out?
What might shift for you – in your sense of self, your relationships, your work, your choices – if you embraced this part of you, rather than shutting it out?
What if you allowed yourself to be ALL of you?
Try This Out
Let me be clear… with this realization in hand, I have not redecorated my entire home to look like Elle Woods’ dorm room.
But I did go out and buy myself lipstick.
Lipstick – and makeup in general – is something that I always felt was just “not mine.” I didn’t know how to do it, I didn’t feel confident wearing it, and for much of my early life, my skin was just too sensitive to really handle any product.
I developed a sense that makeup was just not for me. Which meant ‘girl things’ were just not for me.
And still – as I reflected on what it would mean to allow this part of me, I realized that I would actually really like to wear lipstick. Not because I feel pressured to, or because our culture says I should. But because it would make me feel pretty, special, happy, and cared for.
As I sit here, I’m wearing my new shade – not too bright, but just enough to see it. A soft, cranberry color that puts just the tiniest bit of stain on my lips. And it feels great!
So now it’s your turn: who are you NOT allowed to be? What might become possible for you if you allowed that side of you to rise to the surface?
What To Do Next
This conversation goes hand in hand with a concept that I’ve come to see is intertwined in every aspect of our lives: self-trust.
When you trust yourself, you feel safe to bring in parts of you that previously felt unworthy or unsafe. When you trust yourself, you feel confident to experiment with showing up differently. When you trust yourself, you feel brave enough to face the makeup counter 💄🤩
If you’re ready to build up your own self trust, take a look at my self-study workshop, From Self-Doubt to Self-Trust: Four Steps to Reconnect with Your Authentic Self.
You’ll learn four key elements of self-trust, and walk away with clear next steps to get started. These are the steps I teach all of my clients, and they are the steps that I’ve personally used to redesign my career and my life, and deepen my own self-trust.
I can’t wait to hear what you discover.
Onward,
PS: Last call for this Thursday’s Innovative Leadership Salon! Join me live to explore “How Change Actually Happens: Diagnosing where you’re stuck and what to do about it.”